Excerpt from Feb 4th 2018

Happy

Like sports

Liked going start gazing with me

Loves dogs

Cooked

Knew my bad hygiene and still loved me

Made me feel better when I was sick

Loved to cuddle

Loved to give me kisses/kisses on forehead

Made me feel safe

Made me feel loved and I did not return it like he deserved

Encouraged me to reach for any goal I wanted

Motivated me in working out, running, bettering myself

Got my jokes

Understood my mumbling

I could give him a look and he would know exactly what I was talking about

The way he appreciated me and loved me

Loved to show me affection, showered me with affection and I did not return my appreciation for that.  I didn't show him how much I loved him for that.  I was too comfortable with us when he needed me to be more, to show him how much I loved him back.

Bad

Couldn't enjoy doing things with him a majority of the time because he was drunk.

Still felt that he did everything he could for me

Made excuses why he got himself drunk (I was nagging him, pressure with work, etc)

Would hold things against me even though he said to drop things from the past

Wouldn't help out around the house

Still can't be honest with me

Resents me for our abortions

Says I deserve better

Says he's a piece of shit and deserves just that

Saw the fucking whore during Christmas and New Years

Had to beg him to come with me for New Years Eve dinner

Stopped wearing his rings

Kept saying that calling him husband, me wife, and us married was weird

On his phone all the time

Isn't the first time he reached out to another woman (before our wedding)

Why isn't this enough to show me why I should let him go?  Why can I not let go of the happy memories when the bad are pretty bad.  Is it a habit that I am just used to?  What if I don't find anyone God?  Please help him, he still means the world to me and I do not want him getting worse.  Please let him always remember I will be there for him no matter what.  Do I want to take him back or do I just want the thought of being happy and loved without going through the motions?  Do I just think of him as my comfort zone or do I truly care?  Is he really punishing himself for assuming he's a horrible person?  Please help him see that he is not.  Why can't he want to be better for me, am I not worth being better for?  Am I not worth someone wanting to be better for me? 

I considered him my puzzle piece, my vida, my one and only.  How can I ever feel the same way towards another man again?  Why did I have to realize I was in-love with him only to lose him?  Will he ever want to get back with me?  Is she his one?  Will they be happier together than me and him ever was?  That's my fear God, that him cheating led him to his soulmate while I'm here wanting mine back.

Please God let him realize how I'm the person for him and that he needs to change for me and I him.