Chocolate Covered Fucking Strawberries

I had it all planned out, we'd go get our taxes, then grab a bite to eat - you know, end up spending most of his workday with me.  Nothing went like I hoped.

Everything felt rushed and having to act like we were married sucked.  Our tax preparer kept asking us questions, forcing memories to come up and us to speak the standard responses that we once were so happy to gush over. 

He left for a majority of the time to get back to work, throughout his time with me he kept trying to nudge me here and there, but we were silent overall.  After we finished, took him to his car where he hugged me and asked if I worked tonight before leaving.

He texted later and it seemed like he won't even ask me to dinner, he was beating around the bush but with me making the conversation not him.  He had called and mentioned that he was hoping for a free meal; when I said sure let's do it, because all I want is to be with him, he retracted everything and made excuses.  I asked him why he didn't want to hang out with me and that's when he backed out of the conversation altogether. 



I'm losing the feeling of him holding me, of his kiss and his hug.  I'm forgetting the butterflies he gave me by just sitting in the same room.  I can't remember his warmth when I would lay next to him and I can't help but think this is what he wants.  Does he want to forget about how I made him feel, by staying away from me, just so he can move on?  The thought of begin forgotten, the person I love so easily forgetting me is terrifying.

I found and email from Edible Arrangements in his inbox from January 11th, confirming that he did send Crystal those stupid strawberries. 

"She likes getting those kind of things, you never did."

I don't know why it hit me hard, I guess because it took him eleven days after telling me he wanted our marriage over to get her something.  Thank God for Hannah, she calmed me down, I love Sarah but Hannah knows how I start panicking and has this amazing ability to calm me down and talk sense to me.

I have to remember that he wanted to hang out Valentine's, he called me at 1am that night to tell me he was sad and was full of regret and wanted to be here with me.  I have to remember that he keeps telling me that he doesn't feel as lonely as I do because he has work to distract him. 

I'm meeting a guy from online, and if he's who he says he is, I can see myself wanting to see where it goes.  But at the same time I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of trying to move on.  I want Gabe, I want him to want to be with me - better, working on his addictions, no more women, 100% me.  But if I don't try and move on, that's on me.

I hate this.  

Day 46 since separation.