"Home"

He wants to start paperwork tomorrow. 

Said it's because he can't keep doing this to me.

Later that night he asked if he, "could come home".   That sentence was the one thing I've wanted to hear since he left me.  Home - not "my place", not "over there", but "home".  I had asked a few more things in the conversation but he was barely responsive.  He said that I doesn't want to be there right now but when I told him I was at work he said nevermind. 

Is his idea of home, me?

He later said he shouldn't keep doing this to me, that he was confused about his situation at his home.  I pray to God that with him trying to get sober is allowing him to see and grasp what is going on.  That the illusion he had while drinking is wearing away and he can see that this woman, the one he left me for, doesn't hold a candle to me.  That she doesn't support him like I ever did.  That my love is genuine while hers is already gone away and she's just there for convenience.  I hope they are unhappy because the idea of sneaking behind my back, the fucking thrill, is gone; and what substance they have together is nothing they find worth anything. 

With that said, I hope he swallows his pride and comes back, wanting to change for the better, for me.  But I fear that the man I love and will always love will never be able to let his guard down and take an emotional beating. 

I love you Gabe, I always will.  Even when you broke my heart and even as you're smashing it to pieces.

I don't know if I'll be able to love a deeply again.  I don't know if I want to love so fiercely agian.