Thanksgiving
This is my first Thanksgiving alone.
Sure I'll have my sister but I find myself just attempting to be happy and excited when the only thing I want to do is be in bed, in my room, dreaming of a happier life than one I have now.
I know I have plenty of things to be thankful about, I don't want to come off as emotional just because I am going through heartbreak. I have a great job, supportive family and friends, health - all which I know I should focus on and be happy about. But at the moment I can't. The holiday's are going to be nothing but a reminder of a time when he was seeing someone behind by back. What I thought was "por vida" (just that phrase now makes me want to cry), turned out to be a lie. That I wasn't good enough for someone. He said he fell in love with her (really her lies) and all I can think over and over is that if it was that easy for him to fall in love, how long had it been since he had stopped loving me. Was he ever in love with me like he said, or was that a lie too?
I don't feel thankful and that makes me feel worse. I'm unable to see the lights in my life and I feel angry that my love life is controlling my mentality. That I can't be that woman who nips it in the bud and gets on with her life, knowing that she is a good catch and he is missing out on a good thing. All I keep thinking about is how much he showed me he didn't love me this whole year...and because of that, why I'm not good enough.
What's wrong with me? Why am I someone that can be lied to and cheated on? Why am I not good enough to have someone treat me with respect, love and affection. Why can't I have someone reciprocate the loyalty I invest in a relationship? What's wrong with me?
Sure I'll have my sister but I find myself just attempting to be happy and excited when the only thing I want to do is be in bed, in my room, dreaming of a happier life than one I have now.
I know I have plenty of things to be thankful about, I don't want to come off as emotional just because I am going through heartbreak. I have a great job, supportive family and friends, health - all which I know I should focus on and be happy about. But at the moment I can't. The holiday's are going to be nothing but a reminder of a time when he was seeing someone behind by back. What I thought was "por vida" (just that phrase now makes me want to cry), turned out to be a lie. That I wasn't good enough for someone. He said he fell in love with her (really her lies) and all I can think over and over is that if it was that easy for him to fall in love, how long had it been since he had stopped loving me. Was he ever in love with me like he said, or was that a lie too?
I don't feel thankful and that makes me feel worse. I'm unable to see the lights in my life and I feel angry that my love life is controlling my mentality. That I can't be that woman who nips it in the bud and gets on with her life, knowing that she is a good catch and he is missing out on a good thing. All I keep thinking about is how much he showed me he didn't love me this whole year...and because of that, why I'm not good enough.
What's wrong with me? Why am I someone that can be lied to and cheated on? Why am I not good enough to have someone treat me with respect, love and affection. Why can't I have someone reciprocate the loyalty I invest in a relationship? What's wrong with me?
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